Even those of us who know very little about about engines - or cars in general - know that the average personal vehicle sports 4 cylinders, which provide more than enough power for most drivers on the road (yes Carl, I know you're not in the most-drivers category, read on). However, sometimes one needs a little "kick" in his or her life. In those cases, people can resort to something slightly bigger under the hood - such as a V6, or 6 cylinders. In extreme, I-Need-To-Lay-Rubber-Down-On-This-Damn-Road cases, gas-guzzling V8s may be employed, giving the driver access to 8 cylinders and usually over 300 horses with which to gallop around other (read slower, 4-6 cylinder propelled) traffic. Unfortunately for those of us pushing Toyotas, the top of the vehicular food chain does not end there. Let me give you an example via a practical situation.
You make tons of money (pick any given number, several mill per year sounds reasonable), therefore you buy your girlfriend something fast, sexy, with smooth curves (to better match her) - like a Mercedes coupe. As chairman of the board, you must act senatorial - so as much as you would like to drive something with two-doors that sits low above ground (Ferrari, Lamborghini) your vehicle must be large and imposing (think Beijing vs. Venice). However, you've at times been known to hold "business meetings" with "fellow executives" (oh they execute alright) at various locations around town, typically late into the night. In the off-chance that your girlfriend finds out about the true nature of the "contract" you're supposed to be "signing" tonight, you may have to make a quick getaway - likely to involve a Hollywood-style chase through the early-morning streets. She's driving a fast-as-a-thief two-door Merc. You're driving a sedan weighing more than a dump truck. You have to get to the office and pretend that you're working hard, before she does. What to do? Luckily, the Audi vehicle company has a solution just for you - the W12 engine. W? Is that a typo, Mr. Wannabe-Author-Sergiy? Nope, I meant W - not V. What happens when you put two Vs next to each other? That's right - you get a W. German vehicular wizards did precisely that - fusing two (2?!) V6 engines together for the benefit of those among us who have to routinely outrun Ferraris - while driving armored limousines. Goodbye, girlfriend (as far as she's concerned, you've rolled up your sleeves and have been hard at work in the office all night). Audi A8 W12 - facilitating "business" around the clock, starting at a meager 120,000 greenbacks.
Now that we're in the mood to talk cars, let me just take another Beijing second out of my day to discuss the very important matter of vehicle ownership here at the center of the universe. All vehicle drivers in the capital enjoy the following basic rights:
1. Owning your very own car in Beijing entitles you to the right to do what you will and act how you please while behind the wheel. Reverse on crowded highways? Check. That emergency lane to your right? No way could it have possibly been created for ambulances. U-turns in the face of oncoming walls of traffic? Standard operating procedure. In the event that a traffic light actually slows you down, nuzzle as close as possible to any moving traffic and impede it from making decent progress. Pesky pedestrians? Mow ‘em down like wheat at fall harvest.
2.There is almost no territory you cannot traverse in your vehicle. Sidewalks? Your very own highways, the best part – park anywhere you like (for greatest effect, I recommend choke-points where pedestrians have to really scramble to get around you with their bike carts and paraphernalia - alleys laid down several hundred years ago tend to do nicely). Feel free to drive over and around any clump of land that is unoccupied (or occupied by something that will give way). Use the horn plenty and often, because when combined with air pollution and the push-shove-tumble of a sidewalk, you contribute to the creation of an enchanting urban melody for all senses which can only be found in places like Beijing.
If you thought the above sounds exciting, you haven’t seen much yet. The fun really begins when you find yourself behind the wheel of a big-as-a-bus, fast-as-a-Ferrari official vehicle (basic black, of course) with red plates and placard on the windshield. The following rules take immediate effect:
1. You are entitled to not only do what you will and act how you please with total reckless abandon, but you can order others around in ways you see fit. How? Use the loudspeaker/siren/flashing-police-light conveniently located on your dashboard to bring a swift reminder to all the unfortunates around of your importance in their lives. Those annoying rickshaws slowing you down on your way to the bar? Push up against them (this is what you installed those fat bumpers for, remember?) and let them feel the naturally aspirated V12 engine revving like an angry tiger under your hood. Late to your third mistresses’ apartment for dinner and have to cut across a 12 lane intersection being crossed by 700 people? Amplify your command voice via loudspeaker to scatter those underlings like bowling pins. Who are they, attempting to cross a marked sidewalk in 20 seconds after having waited for the light to change for the past 20 minutes? You’ve got a wife to avoid!
2. The only territory you cannot traverse is territory you really cannot traverse. Translation – you can drive on/over/under/through anything short of a vertical wall, though specially outfitted official vehicles can probably be used in these situations. I’ve actually seen Audis the size of city buses squeeze through hutongs (alleyways) some people may have trouble riding bikes through, needless to say anything and everything had to get out of that thing’s way as it navigated up the street, driver applying liberal pressure to both horn and accelerator to facilitate the process.
As Sylvain, my (former) French roommate, would say “Welcome in Beijing!”
Come to papa, baby. Not even a Lambo can escape Beijing's dirty streets - note the muddy lip.
I want you to think really hard about the following scenario - just don't hurt yourself. 500 pedestrians and 350 cars are getting ready to cross a major intersection after waiting 10 minutes for the light to change. As the light goes green, the above black Audi rolls up. How many of the waiting pedestrians/cars get across before the gentleman behind the wheel of the aforementioned Audi does?
Beijing is probably one of the only towns where you can utilize the ingenious practice of masquerading your taxi cab as a pedestrian and actually get away with it. I may have to give this one a roll next time I’m driving through Georgetown, if I read it right, the transit time savings can be enormous.
Wondering where motorcycle-boy is going? Me too.
You can probably imagine what a couple of these will do to the traffic flow on a major artery during rush hour.
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